"Summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those summer nights"

I've been pretty quiet lately because, this summer, I "met a boy, cute as can be..."  (These Grease references are going to get old really quick, huh?) 

That's right, I met someone.  And not online. 

Remember how I lamented about how it was so much easier to meet people in person, through friends? Or at parties?  Well, my new guy and I had met a few months ago in person but nothing really came of it until... a backyard BBQ at our friend's house.  And then it clicked.  The rest is romantic summer history.  (And for once my blog photos aren't stock photos from the internet - that's the Pacific Ocean right there in front of you, taken during a day at the beach with my man.)

I haven't said much about this new relationship because a) it's new and b) I don't want to jinx myself.  I mean, as evident by my total lack of success with the online dating, I just may be cursed.  Or jinxed.  Or hexed.  Or something.

So I didn't want to talk too much about it for fear of ruining it.  And now that we've been dating for over a month, I still dont't want to talk about it because it's personal.  Not to mention, this blog was about adventures in online dating, not "I finally found a keeper!"  Right?

For some reason I didn't mind baring my "looking for love online" soul while I was searching.  But now that I've found someone I really click with and am giving that a chance to grow, I want to keep this one to myself.

This means that while things are moving forward in that arena, the online dating is over, ergo the blog is probably done.  I've never really been the kind of girl that dates more than one person at a time and I was never a fan of "non-exclusive dating" so we're just going to take time to get to know one another and see what happens.  That means no more onine dating adventures to share with you.

But I promise, if my new guy turns out to be a serial killer, I will go back to online dating and blogging.   You know, assuming I escape his chainsaw of death.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Oh look, more messages from men I don’t plan on dating.  Shall we take a peek at some?

Jesus......Your hot!!

God, your grammar sucks.

You reek of sexiness!!!

Don’t ever tell a woman she “reeks” even if it’s of sexiness.  Tell her she “exudes” sexiness, or “embodies” it, but never that she reeks of it. 

WOW!

Your beautiful smile made my day !

Your right lifes too short!

You have gorgeous eyes!

I never said anything in my profile about life being too short so maybe he has me confused with someone else?  Someone who doesn’t mind that he said “your” instead of “you’re.”  Or that he ended every sentence with an exclamation point.  Like this!

My friends say I’m being too picky and I don’t care.  I am entitled to want whatever I want.  Besides, the truth is, while I do care about grammar and spelling, I haven’t seriously rejected anybody because of it.  As I’ve said before, the guys I mention on here are guys I’m passing on for a number of reasons – I just talk about the grammar, cheesy photos, and creepy pick-up lines on this blog because it’s funny.  Not once have I ever said, this guy is hot and he sounds like the perfect man IF ONLY HE COULD SPELL!

Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter if he ends every sentence with an exclamation point.  If I'm attracted to him and think his profile sounds like the kind of guy I'd like to go on a first date with, I'll overlook those things.  But so far I'm not finding guys like that.

Most of the profiles I see are guys I don't want to make out with.  And that's important - if the attraction isn't there it doesn't matter if his profile says he's a superhero that deworms orphans in third world countries when he's not saving rescue animals.  Let's face it, if you have two guys in front of you with the exact same "resume" (both are everything you want in a guy, personality wise), you're going to pick the guy you're most attracted to.

And right now, I'm still waiting for that guy.  The one who catches my eye but also piques my interest with his profile.  So come on guys, hit me with your best shot.

Because I refuse to believe that what I'm finding online right now is the best you have to offer.

"Luck be a lady tonight..."

Received a message on dating site from "mjcmike" but it was not, in fact, from Channing Tatum. Also, "magic" is spelled with a G.

Another guy said, “I would love to take you out pretty princess.”  Pretty princess?  That makes me feel like I’m about five years old.  Are we going to the circus?  Can I get some cotton candy?  (Wait, I would actually do that.  But not with this guy.)

Just to clarify the situation here, I haven’t really passed on a guy just because he had bad grammar or because he called me “pretty princess.”  While those things do turn me off, I’ve passed on guys because I’m not attracted to them and/or because their profile doesn’t sound like what I’m looking for in a guy.  The bad grammar, the cheesy (sometimes creepy) pick-up lines are all just icing on the cake that is online dating.

Again, I’m not saying that online dating doesn’t work.  I know it does!  I’m just saying that right now, it’s not working for me.  The men that are reaching out to me are not men I am interested in, and the men I reach out to do not appear to be interested in me either.  I do have 4 emails still open on the free site with men that I would go on a first date with but I’m waiting for each to respond.  In each case, we’ve said something to one another but now it’s their turn to reply…and they aren’t.  So I’m guessing that they decided to pass on me.

And that’s okay – if I’m not the kind of girl they’re looking for, I’d rather they just move on than string this out, making me think that perhaps there’s a chance.  But I have to admit, this overall dating thing is frustrating.

I miss the days when I would just meet a nice guy through friends; when you could run into someone at a party and think, “Wow, I really want to get to know him better!” and then you did.  Hell, I even miss the days of high school where we just hollered out the window at cute guys to let them know we were interested.  It was so much easier than this online crap.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to cruise the strip in my car with the windows down, hollering, “Aaaaayoooo!” at the cute guys.

Wish me luck.

It's Raining Men

It's raning men.  And it's an acid rain...

This is an actual photo from a real dating profile, I did not make this up.  It's like Mad Max night at the go-go club.  This was his main photo, the second photo was of his abs, the third was his biceps, and the fourth was some cheesy picture of him throwing some sign I didn’t recognize.  It wasn’t a peace sign, “rock on,” or “I love you” in sign language.  Maybe it was the universal sign that guys throw to indicate that you should not date them.

People tell me I'm too picky about grammar/spelling on dating sites but how can I take this man seriously?

An online dating profile: "Seeking my Juliette."  Romeo & Juliette had a forbidden love and killed themselves.  Probably not the best romantic reference...

Received this message the other day: "Ready set go im ramon lets get it on"  I asked my friends how I should respond to that message, if at all, and CR suggested, “Where do you stand politically? What are your views on gun control? Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior?”  So that’s what I wrote.  And then the following conversation transpired:

HIM: democrate, no need for guns, YES
ME: I'm a Republican, card carrying member of the NRA, atheist.  Thank you anyway.
HIM: Your funny.
ME: I wasn't making a joke.
HIM: You knew your answer when you ask me. That like asking a blackman have you ever had any problems with the police ( cum on )

That’s when I replied, “I’m not interested, thank you” because I couldn’t continue this charade anymore.  If it wasn’t bad enough that he misspelled “Democrat,” used “your” instead of “you’re,” and had bad grammar overall, he totally sealed his fate by saying, “cum on.”  Anybody over the age of 15 that says “cum” instead of “come” needs to be bitch slapped.  You are not Beavis & Butthead.  And if you fancy yourself as such, you have no future with me.

And for the record, I’m actually in the middle politically, I haven’t renewed my NRA membership, and I believe in God but don’t subscribe to any organized religion.  Not that it matters, because clearly I am never going to find a decent man who knows you don’t pick up a woman by saying, “Let’s get it on.”

Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me

A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a guy from the free dating site.  As you can tell, I did not fall fabulously in love, otherwise you would’ve heard about it that very night instead of about two weeks later.  (Unless we had been holed up the last two weeks making mad passionate love, but I digress…)

We met in person and I could tell immediately I wasn’t feeling an attraction, although he seemed like a nice guy.  We had a round of drinks and appetizers, and the conversation was good but I just couldn’t imagine myself kissing him goodnight.  We hugged goodbye, made vague references about maybe getting together the following weekend, and then…nothing.  Neither of us contacted the other.

But at least I got out there and tried.

In the time since, I did cancel my Match.com membership but I still have my profile on the free site.  Of course people are saying, “Why did you cancel your membership after a month?!  It takes time!”  I know it takes time, and I know that online dating can work, but it hasn’t really been working for me.  On the free site I’m getting attention - mostly from men I don’t want to date, but at least they’re “looking” at me.  On Match, there was hardly any attention at all.  And like I said before I signed up, why do I want to pay for rejection when I can get that already for free?  Oh sure, I could stay on it for a few more months just to see if maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp creates a profile and checks me out (hey, he’s single now, it could happen), but what are the chances of that happening?  Money is unbelievably tight for me right now so I have to be careful where I spend it, if I spend it at all, and continuing to throw money into a dating site where nobody at all seems interested in me seems like a big fat waste of cold, hard cash.  If money wasn’t a problem right now, sure, I’d probably stay on Match a few more months just to see if perhaps there is a cool guy on there that is looking for an almost-40 year old, divorcee, legal assistant/college student, who drives a 1975 VW Bug part-time, drinks vodka, and knows how to spell.

But money is tight, so I canceled the membership and I’m sticking to the freebies for now.  I know the quality of men on the free sites may not be up to par with the paid sites but I’ll just have to deal with that unless and until I win the lotto.

Thankfully I’ve received a couple of decent messages on the free site recently, which is a nice refresher from the typical poorly spelled messages with bad grammar.  Unfortunately, even though these men can spell and have made references to my profile that prove they have actually read it, I’m not attracted to them (except this one guy I’m waiting to hear back from).

I know what you’re thinking… how do I know if I’m attracted to them if I haven’t gone on a (disastrous) first date with them?  (Like my cynicism?)  Well, I’ve never gone on a (hot, steamy, sex-filled) date with Johnny Depp (like my optimism?) but I can tell from his photos that I would like to go on a (hot, steamy, sex-filled) date with him.  The same thing should apply to a guy’s online profile – I should be able to read the description and think, he sounds cool, and then check out his photo and think, I would kiss him goodnight/make out with him/have babies with him.

Granted, that could all change the moment we meet in person.  I have met people online and the attraction was there but once we met in person it was not.  (And then there was that time I had to get the cops unofficially involved when one of those guys couldn’t accept that “it” was not there, but that’s another story).  And I’ve also met people in person, through friends, where at first it didn’t cross my mind to make out with them and then BAM!  We were dating the following year.

The point is though, when it comes to online dating, there has to be at least some attraction in the beginning.  If you look at someone’s picture and think, I would never kiss him goodnight, then you should pass.  If, however, you think, he looks totally kissable, then you should go for it.  There are no guarantees, of course, but your odds are probably better if you are into him somewhat before the first date.  Otherwise, why even bother?

She's a Man Eater

I don't consider myself to be especially high maintenance when it comes to dating but I do have some rules.  Let's go over them, shall we?

1)   Do not text/email/call me several times a day, every day.  I don't even talk to my mother or my best friends every single day (unless you count social media and I don't).  Additionally, if I've already explained to you that I am very busy at the moment (as in, 2 papers and 3 homework assignments due that week (true story)), then it's actually rude.
 
2)   Please don't ask me, "What are you thinking?"  I'm a Scorpio, if I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you.

3)   School is my number one priority right now.  I will make time for you but if I tell you that I can't go out because I've got homework, please respect that.  If you can't, go date someone who's already graduated.

4)   Do not count how many pretzels I'm eating at the bar & tell me, "You don't want to eat that."  If you do this on a first date (and somebody did), there will be no second date (and there wasn't). 

5)   I eat meat.  If you're a vegetarian, I'm okay with that but please don't try to convert me.

6)   I'm a social drinker.  It's okay if you don't drink but just like with vegetarianism, please don't try to convert me.

7)   Don't tell me to break a promise to my friend.  It shows you have zero character.

8)   I have a lot of guy friends.  I will not cease hanging out with them simply because we are dating.

9)  If you're possessive, jealous, controlling, and need to keep tabs on your woman at all times, there's the door.

10)   We're not having sex with each other until we've agreed we're not having sex with anyone else.  I've tried that "non exclusive" thing before and it doesn't work for me.  If you can't handle this rule, you can follow the guys from #9 to the door.

No wonder I'm still single...

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

("The Starry Night" Vincent van Gogh)

The fun thing about horoscopes is that you can break it down in so many ways: astrological versus Chinese zodiac; general, romantic, career; and daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  You can read your horoscope ahead of time so you can plan your life accordingly, or you can read it after the day is over, to see if it what the horoscope predicted actually came true.  And you can put as much weight into it as you want – if you don’t believe in astrology, it’s a campy read; if you do believe in astrology it’s a guidebook to your life.  If I had to pick one, I’d say I’m leaning more toward a campy read with an occasional raised eyebrow and an, “Ohmigodthattotallyhappenedtoday!”

This is Scorpio’s LOVE horoscope for today, this week, this month, and this year.  If you're a fellow Scorpio, pay attention. 

TODAY:

“The details of life are more important than the big issues, at least for now. Focus in on the small stuff -- especially on dates -- and worry about big things like compatibility some other day.”

Um, what?  Compatibility is a big thing I shouldn’t worry about?  If we’re not compatible, why the fuck would we date?

WEEKLY:

“…you'll want to be ready for the excitement the stars have in store starting Friday. You're extra sexy, and everybody's loving you! Now, who do you love back?”

Okay, now we’re talking.  This weekend sounds like it’s going to rock!  My online horoscope said it would so really, how can I go wrong?  The interwebz and thousands of stars in the sky millions of light years away wouldn’t lie, right?  Because that would be really mean.

MONTHLY (and there’s only a few days left of the month so I’m just including the end):

“You've got the lead role in your own personal romantic comedy on the 29th and 30th.”

The cynic in me is starting to worry that this weekend is getting so much hype.  The stars are telling me how awesome this weekend is going to be and now I’m concerned that Sunday night I’m going to be sitting on my couch, staring at the TV (and it’s going to be a shitty show because everything is on hiatus for the summer), thinking, “Is that all there is?”

The weekend’s saving grace, however, is that I know I’ve got some fun things planned, so, while this weekend may not introduce me to Johnny Depp, and dozens of hot, eligible bachelors will not be falling at my feet, I’m still going to have a great time.  I’m just not sure how much “love” will factor into it.

YEARLY (choice excerpts):

“With Neptune returning to your romance sector for the next several years, your love life is about to take a poetic turn. A deep, soulful connection becomes the prerequisite for hooking up from now on! You won't settle for anything less than a soul-stirring union that inspires you to create art. Your lover becomes your muse, and vice versa.”

About fucking time.  Now where is he?

“With Saturn entering your constellation near your birthday, you'll be ready to go through a maturation process, regardless of your age. Saturn requires absolute integrity and commitment in all arenas of your life - especially relationships. This requires you to get very clear on where your line in the sand is, and what you will and will not put up with in relationships.”

I don’t need to wait for November to draw that line, I’ve already drawn it.  Hell, I started drawing it when I got divorced.  And as of right now, my line still includes men that know the difference between their/there/they're.

“There will be no more dragging anyone's heart around once Saturn enters the picture.”

Cue Stevie Nicks’ “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around.” 

“It's time to relinquish the weight of the past and move bravely forward. This especially holds true in November, when the total solar eclipse in Scorpio accelerates fast-forward change!”

Dude, it’s June.  November is months away.  Let’s change things now, shall we stars?

"This transmission is coming to you"

Just got a message from a new guy and all it said was "bababooey."  I know that's a Howard Stern reference (right?) but WTH? What does that mean in terms of online dating?  Is it a test to see if I know what it means?  Is it a secret code and I'm at a loss because I don't know the secret code word response?  Like, he says MARCO and I'm supposed to say POLO but this is a game I've never played before and oh.my.god.this.online.dating.sucks.  I just wrote him back and (lied) told him, "I don't know what that means."  I just turned into Dr. Temperance Brennan.

I also received another message from a 26 year old (I'll be 40 this year) whose profile says he "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment."  Then why are you on a dating site? Oh right, booty calls.  Um, thanks but no thanks.  My profile clearly says I'm looking "for a relationship" (I thought "dating" sounded too casual, like, let's date each other and have sex on Friday nights while I date someone else and have sex with them on Saturday nights).  The point being, we're not looking for the same things so why even bother?  Then again, my friends like to joke that I'm a cougar...  Cue ABBA's "Does Your Mother Know."

Unwell

I received this message on Wednesday from a would-be suitor:

Well Hello =-) How Are You Doing? Im Michael. Well I Just Came Across
Your Profile and I like what I
see. I'd Like to get to know you hoping YOU feel the same as well. ...Well what
are you up too? How was your day?
As for me I am in the city of MISSION HILLS, in the SAN FERNANDO VALLEY....(Not
far from you) Well take a look at
my PROFILE and let me know what you think... If not, that's Ok...Well I hope to
hear from you soon .. .

Before you ask, yes, that's exactly how the message came in, weird line breaks and all.

This man is very fond of capitalizing words AND/OR putting them IN all caps.  (See what I did there?)

He clearly knows where the apostrophe and comma buttons are on his keyboard but it's just as clear that he does not like them.

He asked what I was up too.

I am disturbed that he is "not far" from me.  I'm going to change my location to Kansas.

In other news, I sent a message to a guy that was not only attractive but had a coherent, intelligent yet funny sounding profile.  He wasn't interested in me but instead of ignoring me or saying "I'm not interested, thanks" he replied:

That's a wonderful intro into who you are.  You sound like an awesome gal.  I'm looking for something a little different though.  I wish you all the luck in the world on this site. :)

As for me, I still go with the Ignore Method of rejecting men I'm not interested in on this site.  Unless they don't get the hint and keep messaging me (like that guy on Match who sent me six messages and a wink) in which case I'll have to tell them I'm not interested.

I'm not sure which method of rejection is best, however.  I like the Ignore Method because it's non-confrontational.  It doesn't open the door for the other person to start asking WHY you aren't interested.  I had that happen with someone in real life: my friend told X straight up that I wasn't interested in him (though I have no idea why said friend did this) so X started asking me via Facebook messages why I wasn't feeling it.  Keep in mind I barely knew X so being asked why I wasn't into him was awkward beyond belief.  I finally said, "I don't know you, I'm not comfortable having this conversation with you."  And then deleted him from Facebook.

The Ignore Method also means you don't end up in conversations wherein the suitor tries to change your mind.  That has also happened to me in real life.  An older gent I knew from the bar scene was sweet on me and I pretty much told him that it was never going to happen.  So he started giving me a song and dance about how, in his infinite wisdom of being an older dude, he knew that if we hung out more then the friendship would evolve, blah blah blah.  He didn't really phrase it as a "hey maybe" but more of a "trust me, I know it will happen."  He was a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but I tried to explain, I'm flattered but don't try to tell me about ME.  Nobody knows me better than me, and me, myself, and I know we don't want to date you. 

But the Ignore Method can also come across as rude.  Think about it, if someone took the time to reach out to you to say hello, even if you're not interested, shouldn't you at least reply, if only to say as much?  I've tried online dating many times over the last couple of years and the etiquette I quicly picked up on for rejecting others was the Ignore Method.  However, the nice girl in me feels like maybe that's too mean.  Should I be sending handwritten thank you notes instead?  "Dear [Name], Thank you for submitting your application, however, the position has already been filled."  Wait, that would be a lie.  But I could say something nice like the guy who told me I was awesome.

I could say, "Thank you for your message.  You sound like an awesome guy but I'm looking for something a little different though.  I'm looking for a man that can spell.  Happy fishing!"  Well there you go.  He thinks I'm awesome but doesn't want to date me.  That's okay because his reply was nice.  It wasn't an abrupt "no thanks" and it wasn't the flat out ignore that most people do (myself included) when approached by someone they are not interested in.  So there you go - I got rejected (again) but at least he was nice about it.

"A-B-C, easy as 1-2-3" (except not so much)

Online dating is hard, I know, I’m out here doing it, too.  It takes a lot of guts to put yourself online for all of the universe (or those within a specified radius and access to a computer) to see.  It also takes courage to reach out to a complete stranger in an attempt to bond with them.  I just want you to know that I completely understand that and am absolutely doing the exact same thing myself.  I am not making fun of anyone for the sake of being mean – I’m merely sharing these experiences because online dating totally sucks.

Blah blah blah.  My best friend’s sister’s next door neighbor’s cousin’s hair dresser met her husband online.  That’s great.  I’m happy for them.  I’m the maid of honor at a Match wedding this summer.  I’m not saying that online dating doesn’t work – I’m saying that the overall process sucks.

Because, as the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.  And the internet is full of frogs.  Don’t believe me?

See for yourself.  (That's a link, not sure the color shows up very well for some reason and I'm too lazy to play with my settings.  Just click on the thing.)

And now, let me share with you the most recent little gem I received in my inbox today:

hi My name is JOE and i would like to get to know you im that special person you are looking for im honest sincere and fun to be with i think we have things in common and im for real i dont play with peoples feelings if im wat you want and if intreasted live me a message and your name thank you hope you have a great day

That’s one sentence.  One motherfucking sentence.  There are no apostrophes, commas, or periods where there should be.  Some of the words are misspelled – who doesn’t know how to spell “what” properly?

I know what my “You’re being too picky” friends are thinking.  They’re thinking, “You’re being too picky!” and possibly, “Maybe he wrote that on his phone.”

Well guess what?

Fuck that shit.

I type on my phone all the time and yes, even I make typos, but I go back and correct them before I hit SEND.  Worst case scenario, my error goes through and I follow up the message with a correction (because I’m anal like that).  I do not, however, send messages to men online (via my phone or computer) that are a paragraph long consisting of one, giant, never ending, run-on sentence filled with bad grammar and poor spelling.  Because I actually care about things like that.  And men should, too.

Go ahead and call me a Grammar Nazi – I don’t give a shit anymore.  I refuse to date anyone who sends me messages like that.  I have standards for myself and that includes knowing how to use the English language, I don’t care how hot a guy is.  (For the record, I wasn’t attracted to this man anyway so that was really just a double whammy.) 

I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m not saying I’m not being judged by the guys out there, too.  (They’re probably all saying to themselves, “If only she were a size 6.")  And that’s fine – we all have our own standards.  I just don't feel like I should settle when it comes to mine.

I want an intelligent, funny guy that I have good chemistry with.  One that will fit in with my crazy friends (shut up you guys, you know you're crazy).  Someone that will sit around a campfire with me or take me to the ballet.  A guy I could imagine introducing to my mother someday.  He’s out there.  Somewhere.  And he knows how to spell.

SIDE NOTE: I hate those emails people send that end with “Sent from my [insert name of phone here], please excuse typos.”  No, no I won’t.

Also, when I was in high school, I used to read my friends' notes, correct them in red pen, and send them back.  True story.  (No wonder I'm single...)

Hold On

"Hold on...
A voice tells me hold on...
Somewhere I feel...hold on...
Hold on... "
(Pearl Jam)

So, the online dating saga continues.  I received a message today wherein the guy asked me about the carbs I rebuilt on my MG [when I still had it], which I had mentioned in my profile.  He totally earned bonus points for that because most guys have an opening line like "Hey beautiful!" or they compliment me on my eyes or smile.  Don't get me wrong - who doesn't love a compliment?  I just appeciate it when a guy takes the time to actually read my profile and/or has an opening line that catches my attention.  Unfortuately, carb guy is not someone I could imagine kissing goodnight so I passed on him.  Not to mention he was totally wrong about the type of carbs (they were Weber, not Stromberg).

I did have a real life date over the weekend but I have not found my future ex-husband.  He's cute and nice but he's not the right cute, nice guy for me.

However, according to a close (guy) friend of mine, at my age, I'm going to have to either settle or resign myself to being single.  That's right, according to him, my only options are SETTLE or SINGLE. 

Really?  That's it?!

Why?  Because I'm divorced, almost 40, not looking for casual sex, and I'm not a size 6 anymore?

Why should I settle?  And why should I have to?  (It should be noted that my girl friends do not give me this advice so maybe it's just a guy thing?)  If I was looking for a red velvet couch, would you advise me to buy the brown linen couch or would you tell me to keep looking?  (You know I love my couch analgoies...)  I mean, if I want what I want, why shouldn't I seek it?  And why is it so hard to imagine that I would find it?

Surely there are intelligent, funny, cute guys out there who are looking for the same in a woman (me being "the same").  Why is it so unimaginable that we should find one another?

I've gone through enough romantic experiences to know that settling never does anyone any good.  And it's something I do not plan on doing ever again.

If I can't find a guy that meets my criteria then I can always adjust that criteria.  And seriously, it's not like I've given a list of specifics like: Must be 5'10", long brown hair, brown eyes, Gemini, originally from Kentucky (and yes, I just described Johnny Depp).  There are some things I could probably overlook or compromise on but overall, he's gotta be what I'm looking for or else no go.

Settling is not in my vocabulary.  Okay, it's in my vocabulary literally, as I've just discussed it, but you know what I mean.  I won't settle.  I just won't.

I would rather be single than settle.  And you know what? I'm totally okay with that.  However, I refuse to believe that my only two options are SETTLE and SINGLE. 

Becase right now, I still believe that FALL IN LOVE is one of my options.  And the one I'm rooting for.

I Don't Know

(The above ecard was written by a friend of mine who is also

going through the trials and tribulations of finding a decent man online.)

More observations while browsing the online dating sites.  As you can imagine, it's not going well...

I'm sure you're a nice man but you drive a Mazda Miata. I don't want to be the last girl you date before you come out of the closet.

When the dating site asks if I want to meet you and your profile says "Y.O.L.O." I'm going to hit the NO button.

I think I mentioned this one before but iF yOu tYpe LiKe tHiS I will automatically think that you are annoying no matter how cute you are (and he was cute).

If you look completely stoned in your profile pic I'm going to pass (though I'm sure some of my friends would like your number, though not for dating purposes). 

If your profile photo (and/or most of your photos) are self portraits where your camera is blocking most of your face, I'm going to think you're an idiot.  Call me judgmental, fine, just don't call me looking for a date.  I'm not here to date your camera.

Ohmigod this one guy totally looks like a stand-in for Wolverine.  Just had to tell you that.

Guys - learn to take photos of yourself when YOU'RE NOT IN THE BATHROOM.  It's not that hard.  Hold your camera up and smile into it.  Or get your friend to take a photo of you.  And if you have an iPhone 4S the camera has a "reverse" feature where you can see yourself as you take a picture of yourself.  Seriously, I'm tired of seeing everybody's damn bathroom!  (By the way, Wolverine's shower curtain kind of looks like Warhol prints.)

Speaking of photos - please don't post just one.  Even when you buy shit online you get more than one photo.  And try to choose a nice variety of photos, not five photos that were clearly all taken in the same day.

Also, smile.  Nobody wants to date a serial killer.  Actually, some chicks are into that, but not me.

I try to avoid anyone with headshots in their photos.  This is a dating site, not a casting call.

There's this one guy who's really cute but has messy hair - in every photo.  If it was just a single "look" I could say, "Okay, at least he doesn't look like that all the time."  But according to his photos, he does.  Should I ask him out and bring a brush on the first date?

If you're rocking the bald look, there's a 99.9% chance I'm going to pass on dating you.  There's nothing wrong with being bald but I'm attracted to men with hair - I like to have something to run my hands through when we kiss.

Now I know my friends tell me I'm being too picky and you know what my response is to that, right?  If I take the time to put thought and effort into a buying a car (does it have the features I want, is it affordable, how long will it last, etc.) why shouldn't I be just as picky (IF NOT MORE!) when choosing a man to date?

My friends also say I'm being too difficult on guys and their profiles but seriously - this is an online dating site.  You're basically selling yourself online just like a couch.  Shouldn't you at least take the time to market yourself well?  This is the only first impression you get to make online and it's the difference between someone sending you a message to say hello or clicking the NEXT button.  Make a fucking effort.  Proof your content, post more than one photo (that isn't sideways, blurry, has a camera blocking your face, and/or wherein you are actually smiling).  You can thank me later, when you start getting more dates because women will take you more seriously.

As for me, I'm still single.  Although I do have a date tonight.  Did I meet him on the internet?  Of course not.  That would've been too easy.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Tracy McMillan is an author who seems to think she knows why I’m not married (and, presumably, perpetually single) and lists those 10 reasons for me (and you, if you’re still single).  She’s been divorced three times so clearly she knows what she’s talking about.  Because nothing says, “I know what I’m talking about” like hypocrisy.  Let’s take a gander, shall we?  Tracy diagnoses me (and all other unmarried women) and I shoot her theories down as they pertain to me (for all I know, she’s right about you). 

1.         You’re a Bitch.  Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.  Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

That’s right, to land a man, I am not allowed to show my emotions.  I should bottle that anger until I’ve got that ring on my finger and then I can let it all out once I am officially a “Mrs.” and he can see the real me then.  Forget that I have a great relationship with my mother, I don’t know what a military-industrial complex is (unless you mean it literally, as in a building, in which case, what???), and while I dislike Sarah Palin, I am not, in fact, angry about her.  I love my job and school.  But that doesn’t matter.  Surely I’m angry about something.  Oh wait, that’s right, I’m angry when I encounter bad customer service and shitty drivers.  Clearly that’s why I can’t find a man.  Tracy = 0, Me = 1.

2.         You’re Shallow.  When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.  Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

Holy crap, no wonder why I’m not married – I have standards!  Well, shit, why didn’t someone tell me to dump those years ago?!  And having standards is really just code for “I’m totally shallow.”  Shame on me for wanting to find a man who has the same interests as me and one that I’m attracted to – nope, all I need to know is if a man has good character.  How dare I want a man who likes music, knows how to spell, and has a great sense of humor.  Forget all the other trivial stuff, I’m just going to hop onto the first upstanding citizen that crosses my path.  Tracy = 0, Me = 2.

3.         You’re a Slut.  Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

I haven’t had sex in awhile so there goes that theory.  It’s not that I couldn’t have sex, I just chose not to.  I was trying to avoid the one night stands, the casual dating sex, and men I would never consider having sex with.  Tracy = 0, Me = 3.

4.         You’re a Liar.  It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”  You know if you tell him the truth -- that you’re ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

I don’t lie, I don’t need to nor do I want to.  When I was on a first date with a man going through a divorce, he said, “I’m not looking for anything too serious” to which I honestly replied, “I’m not looking for anything too casual.”  So we said, let’s see where this goes.  As things progressed over the months it became obvious that there wasn’t enough middle ground for us to both be happy – he wanted to be more casual than I did while I wanted to be more serious than he did.  We were both honest and upfront about what we wanted and gave it a shot to see if there was a happy medium.  See, I was honest and ended up single again.  Another time, I told a guy that I didn’t want to be too casual and that I didn’t plan on having sex with him unless/until we agreed we would be serious enough that we wouldn’t be having sex with other people.  He didn’t want that so we stopped seeing each other.  There you go again – I was totally honest upfront and yet…still no man.  I don’t lie about what I want and I don’t make apologies for it either.  Tracy = 0, Me = 4.

5.         You’re Selfish.  If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.  Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

Wait, because I’m single and have no children and therefore think about myself and my needs, I am…selfish?  Who else am I supposed to be thinking about right now?  I think about my friends and family but I also think about me because my personal life only includes me right now.  If I don’t have a child (which, clearly, having a child is the only way a man can tell you know how to think of people other than yourself), then I’m never going to land a man?  Is this shit for real?  I should go adopt a kid so I can snag a husband?  Uh, no thanks, I’ll stick to the old fashioned way of hitting on them at bars and searching for them with online profiles.  That’s a lot better than becoming a mother for the sole purpose of becoming a wife.  Tracy = 0, Me = 5.  [ETA: I just adopted a kitten so clearly that proves I am not selfish.]

6.         You’re Not Good Enough.  Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.  Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

But I am looking for a partner that is my equal.  I’m not trying to find someone “better” than me.  I’m trying to find one that knows how to spell and enjoys live music.  A partner that can hold an intellectually stimulating conversation.  One that likes sushi.  A guy with a sense of humor.  Because that’s me and I want a guy that is equal.  Tracy = 0, Me = 6 (do I even need to keep posting these totals, clearly this woman is crazy).

7.         You’re a Mess. You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life -- an attitude, a behavior, a vice -- that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward. The sneaky part is that this thing holding you back feels like it is making your life more bearable! It’s also telling you that you’re fine! So how do you know if something is a problem? Easy. YOU’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom, your best friend, or the guy you’re dating -- you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.

Random House Dictionary defines vice as “an immoral or evil habit or practice" or “immoral conduct; depraved or degrading behavior” (continued definitions are pretty much the same).  Now maybe I’m in denial but I can’t think of any “immoral” or “degrading” behaviors that I exhibit, ergo, I don’t have any I need to give up.  I’m not hiding anything from my mom, best friend, or men.  Tracy = 0, Me = 7.

8.         You’re Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, have sex, fight and break up -- all by text message. Another sign you’ve got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it’s like watching an episode of “Fear Factor.” Who doesn’t want to watch another person eat bugs? In fact, a sure-fire way to know you’re crazy is if more than one person has told you you’d be great on a reality show -- and you agree with them.

I only tell long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend because I’m lonely, not because I’m crazy.  I don’t want drama and intensity.  I want happy.  In fact, I got into it with a friend today who was being a drama queen and since the friend was not only acting like a drama queen but has been a total dick to me over the last couple months, I  told them to delete my phone number.  I don’t want toxicity in my life nor do I have time for it.  Life’s too short to deal with bullshit.  Tracy = 0, Me = 8.

9.         You’re a Dude. It’s not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or make more money than most guys. It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes. Am I saying you should join a quilting circle? Wear ruffles all the time? Um, no. But you might want to see what it’s like to let the game come to you. Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you.

Do I even have to respond to this?  There’s nothing wrong with calling, texting, or asking a guy out.  It’s mother fucking 2012, women are “allowed” to do that now.  And if a guy is turned off because I made the first move then he’s not the kind of guy I want to date, now is he?  No.  In fact, I made the first move with my ex-husband (our being exes has nothing to do with me making the first move, either) and we were together 8 years.  If a man can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to seek it, then he’s not the right guy for me.  Tracy = 0, Me = 9 (she’s only got one more chance).

10.       You’re Godless. Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we’re there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don’t have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a god. Wait, come back! It’s not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by god? Well, I don’t mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you’re good and punish you if you’re bad. That would be Santa Claus. I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen -- the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love. Whatever you name it -- it’s the game changer. Because when you mix the idea of spirit into your relationships, it no longer matters how many men are, techincally, out there. No more demographics, no more short guys and tall guys or chicks with cankles or ten extra pounds. There are no more lists of things you think you have to have in a mate. There are only two people on a spiritual assignment: TO LOVE EACH OTHER.

To all the single, atheist women out there - you’re fucked.  Look, I’m a spiritual person.  I believe in God though I have a lot of questions about him/her (there, that’s one question right there), and religion in general.  But let’s say I didn’t believe in God - I believe in kindness, and love, and being a good person.  I see the beauty in a setting sun, hear calm in the sound of the ocean, and feel love when my nieces and nephews hug me.  All of that already exists within my soul.  So once again, Tracy strikes out.  Tracy = 0, Me = 10.

This woman has no idea why I’m still single.  But I do.  Because I’m the exact opposite of what she says I am.

I’m not a lying, shallow, selfish, bitchy, slut, that’s not good enough because I’m a crazy mess, who acts like a dude without a god.  (I'm almost tempted to put that sentence in my online dating profile.)

Instead, I am a kind, caring, loving woman with a good head on her shoulders.  I love my family, friends, and career.  I haven’t slept my way around town to pass the time while looking for Mr. Right.  I know what I want (a man that is my equal) and I make no apologies for it.  And if I find him, I’ll have no problem asking him out…unless he asks me first.

Like to Get to Know You Well

Here's a general recap of what's going on so far with all this online dating crap.  As you can tell by my use of the word "crap" it is not going so well.  In fact, I'm not actually partaking in online dating yet... no, I'm still in the online browsing stage.

Plenty of Fish – This is the site I’ve been on the longest (and by that I mean “about a month”) and the one that generates the most attention for me.  However, it’s not necessarily attention I want.  As in, the guys talking to me are not my kind of guys.  I’m not attracted to them, they have horrible grammar, and/or they are creepy.  Unfortunately, the guys that I am interested in on this site think I am 600 pounds, have extra limbs, and snore like a jack hammer.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself when I wonder why they are not replying to my messages.

RECOGNITION LEVEL:  High.  I’ve recognized five guys on this site: two I went to school with, two are from the rival high school, and the last one is friends with someone I went to high school with.  I’m friends with 3 of them on Facebook even, but I didn’t sign up for a dating site just to meet people I already know.

Match – I’m not very popular on this site.  In fact, I’m only popular (sometimes) when it’s free because the only men interested in me on this paid site is that one guy who wouldn’t stop emailing me, which would have been awesome if he’d been my type.  (Desperation is only unattractive when the guy is, otherwise we call it “persistence” when he’s cute.  Shut up, that’s totally true.)  My hesitation for joining a paid site has come true – I was getting rejected for free on Plenty of Fish but now I get to pay for the same rejection on Match.  Awesome.  Only, not so much.

RECOGNITION LEVEL: Low.  I’ve only recognized one person so far on this site, one of my Facebook friends.

Nerd Passions – I thought I would have a better chance of finding a smart guy on a site like this.  Nerds are smart, right?  I skipped second grade, started reading Millay when I was in junior high, read the entirety of my English Lit books on purpose, know how to spell (most of the time), love Star Wars humor, and get excited when my latest book by Bryan Garner shows up.  I’m nerdy, right?  Well, aside from the totally old school, shoddy web set-up (think “what the internet looked like when the internet first arrived,” total NERD FAIL), this site is a total bomb because not a single guy has reached out to me.  Maybe I’m not nerdy enough because I don’t play video games, shop at comic book stores, and don’t partake in cosplay.  But that’s okay because there isn’t a single guy I want to reach out to either.  Total snooze fest but thankfully it’s free.

RECOGNITION LEVEL: Zero.  Then again, a lot of profiles feature avatars, not real photos, so for all I know, all my nerd/geek/dork friends are on this site looking for love but are too embarrassed to admit it.

Brainiac Dating – I tried this site because Nerd Passions was a total waste of my time.  Again my thinking was the “smart” sites are where I can find a guy who knows how to spell.  Someone who knows the difference between there/their/they’re.  A guy who likes to read books, not just play video games.  Hopefully a guy who doesn’t text like a thirteen year old girl and list his location as “the ‘oc’ lol.”  (True story.)  Unfortunately this site doesn’t appear to hold much in store for me either.  Only 2 guys have looked at me so far and one doesn’t even have a picture of himself on his profile.  What is UP with that crap?  Call me cynical but when you don’t post a picture of yourself, I automatically assume you look like the Hunchback from Notre Dame or the Elephant Man.  Hey, prove me wrong.

RECOGNITION LEVEL: Medium.  I’ve only recognized one guy from this site which should get a “Low” rating but I said “Medium” because…it’s someone I dated briefly a couple years ago and I think he’s an asshole.

In summary, the only guys that want me are guys I wouldn’t go out with.  Also, I keep running into people I already know, one of which I don’t need to know again.  So yeah… online dating totally sucks.

Hot Child in the City

Today's romantic horoscope for Scorpio:  "Poor, misunderstood you. Just when you think nobody gets you anymore, a hottie says something that totally clicks. Where has this person been all your life? Who cares, just go with it. Grab their hand and get ready to tread some common ground."

I'm beginning to think the stars are just fucking with me now.

"So I creep around..."

The last time I tried this online dating thing (spring of last year), there was a cute guy I started chatting with through the site's email.  At first it was harmless, talking about things that make us nerdy.  For instance, I said that in junior high I read the V.C. Andrews books while also reading Edna St. Vincent Millay, and in high school, I was the girl that read her entire English Lit book on purpose.  Then I mentioned that I fall asleep listening to Mozart.  So he asked if I masturbated to Mozart, too.

I tried to casually change the subject and that's when this guy started going off on a tirade about how women have such hang-ups about sex.  So I pointed out to him that I'm a Scorpio (the most sensual and sexual of the 12 astrological signs) and that I've had a great sex life (you know, back when I still had one), so no, I don't have a hang-up about sex...

Until some dude that I've never met in person, let alone even spoken to on the phone, starts asking about my masturbatory habits.

Really?

I don't know you, I couldn't pick you out from a police line-up, I have no idea what your future goals are in life, what you want out of a relationship, what you wish for you when you throw coins into a fountain, but sure, let's start talking about sex. 

I'm not here for booty, calls, casual sex, or to talk dirty to you.  I'm not going to tell you what color panties I'm wearing and I'm not sending you nude photos.  If you're serious about wanting to get to know me, get to know me, not my vagina.

If the chemistry is right and we decide to meet in person, and things go well from there, all the sexual stuff will fall into place when the time is right.  But not talking about sex right away doesn't make me a prude and it doesn't mean I have hang-ups about sex, it means I'm saving the good stuff for later.

ETA: While browsing through the site where I met the aforementioned creepy guy, whose profile should I come across but his?  Apparently he's still looking for love.  Why am I not surprised?

3 is the Magic Number

So I signed up for Match a couple weeks ago but didn't get a subscription until last night (finally).  Prior to getting the subscription, I had received emails through Match but couldn't read them until I gave Match some money (there's no such thing as a free lunch).  One of those emails was from C.  I forgot what it said but I deleted it because I wasn't interested (and from what I've learned of online dating, if you're not interested, you just ignore the messages, you don't write back and say "No thanks," except that one guy that did but I digress).  I cleaned up my profile and photos a bit and started searching for love (or, you know, a date).

This morning I check my Match email and what should I see but three emails from C.  Not one, hell, not even two, but three.  Count them: one, two, three.  In a span of 2 minutes. [ETA: That's three emails and a wink, in 2 minutes, in case I didn't get the hint from the three emails.]

Now some of my friends are telling me that I need to go easy on the online guys, that I'm being a little too picky or stringent with my standards; I need to give these guys a chance.  And to that I say...

Fuck you.

Okay, just kidding.  To that I actually say, I don't want a guy that asks me, "Do you have sexy feet?"  I don't want a guy with horrible grammar and spelling, because that matters to me.  I don't like guys that come on too strong, i.e. three emails in a 2 minute timeframe, or guys that wonder why I haven't called them within 24 hours. 

I shouldn't have to apologize for having these standards - this is what I want, why should I compromise?  If I said I wanted a Catholic guy, would you tell me to give the Jewish guys a chance?  If I said I wanted a tall guy would you say I should check out the short guys?   Why shouldn't I seek what I want?  Granted, if I keep searching the way I am, with these current standards, and I find that I'm unsuccessful, then sure, I can re-evaluate my standards if necessary  But for now, I want what I want.  Why shouldn't I look for that and weed out the men that don't fit that criteria?

Friends have joked that I'm trying to find the perfect man and that's just not true.  I'm trying to find the man that's perfect for me.  There's a difference.

ETA: So C, the aforementioned guy from Match, not only sent me his first email a couple weeks ago, and then three more emails last week in a span of 2 minutes (including a wink), but Saturday he sent me a fifth email.  I asked the universe (aka Twitter and Facebook) how I should handle this - do I just keep ignoring him, do I tell him "No thanks," or do I block him?  Before I could get a full consensus, C goes and emails me a sixth time, that same day.  So I opted to block him.  I'm not trying to be a snob here and I'm not a supermodel who can afford to be picky.  However, I want what I want and what I want is not a guy who emails me six times in hopes that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that sixth time will do the trick.