Tracy McMillan is an author who seems to think she knows why I’m not married (and, presumably, perpetually single) and lists those 10 reasons for me (and you, if you’re still single). She’s been divorced three times so clearly she knows what she’s talking about. Because nothing says, “I know what I’m talking about” like hypocrisy. Let’s take a gander, shall we? Tracy diagnoses me (and all other unmarried women) and I shoot her theories down as they pertain to me (for all I know, she’s right about you).
1. You’re a Bitch. Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
That’s right, to land a man, I am not allowed to show my emotions. I should bottle that anger until I’ve got that ring on my finger and then I can let it all out once I am officially a “Mrs.” and he can see the real me then. Forget that I have a great relationship with my mother, I don’t know what a military-industrial complex is (unless you mean it literally, as in a building, in which case, what???), and while I dislike Sarah Palin, I am not, in fact, angry about her. I love my job and school. But that doesn’t matter. Surely I’m angry about something. Oh wait, that’s right, I’m angry when I encounter bad customer service and shitty drivers. Clearly that’s why I can’t find a man. Tracy = 0, Me = 1.
2. You’re Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
Holy crap, no wonder why I’m not married – I have standards! Well, shit, why didn’t someone tell me to dump those years ago?! And having standards is really just code for “I’m totally shallow.” Shame on me for wanting to find a man who has the same interests as me and one that I’m attracted to – nope, all I need to know is if a man has good character. How dare I want a man who likes music, knows how to spell, and has a great sense of humor. Forget all the other trivial stuff, I’m just going to hop onto the first upstanding citizen that crosses my path. Tracy = 0, Me = 2.
3. You’re a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore
I haven’t had sex in awhile so there goes that theory. It’s not that I couldn’t have sex, I just chose not to. I was trying to avoid the one night stands, the casual dating sex, and men I would never consider having sex with. Tracy = 0, Me = 3.
4. You’re a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.” You know if you tell him the truth -- that you’re ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
I don’t lie, I don’t need to nor do I want to. When I was on a first date with a man going through a divorce, he said, “I’m not looking for anything too serious” to which I honestly replied, “I’m not looking for anything too casual.” So we said, let’s see where this goes. As things progressed over the months it became obvious that there wasn’t enough middle ground for us to both be happy – he wanted to be more casual than I did while I wanted to be more serious than he did. We were both honest and upfront about what we wanted and gave it a shot to see if there was a happy medium. See, I was honest and ended up single again. Another time, I told a guy that I didn’t want to be too casual and that I didn’t plan on having sex with him unless/until we agreed we would be serious enough that we wouldn’t be having sex with other people. He didn’t want that so we stopped seeing each other. There you go again – I was totally honest upfront and yet…still no man. I don’t lie about what I want and I don’t make apologies for it either. Tracy = 0, Me = 4.
5. You’re Selfish. If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
Wait, because I’m single and have no children and therefore think about myself and my needs, I am…selfish? Who else am I supposed to be thinking about right now? I think about my friends and family but I also think about me because my personal life only includes me right now. If I don’t have a child (which, clearly, having a child is the only way a man can tell you know how to think of people other than yourself), then I’m never going to land a man? Is this shit for real? I should go adopt a kid so I can snag a husband? Uh, no thanks, I’ll stick to the old fashioned way of hitting on them at bars and searching for them with online profiles. That’s a lot better than becoming a mother for the sole purpose of becoming a wife. Tracy = 0, Me = 5. [ETA: I just adopted a kitten so clearly that proves I am not selfish.]
6. You’re Not Good Enough. Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
But I am looking for a partner that is my equal. I’m not trying to find someone “better” than me. I’m trying to find one that knows how to spell and enjoys live music. A partner that can hold an intellectually stimulating conversation. One that likes sushi. A guy with a sense of humor. Because that’s me and I want a guy that is equal. Tracy = 0, Me = 6 (do I even need to keep posting these totals, clearly this woman is crazy).
7. You’re a Mess. You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life -- an attitude, a behavior, a vice -- that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward. The sneaky part is that this thing holding you back feels like it is making your life more bearable! It’s also telling you that you’re fine! So how do you know if something is a problem? Easy. YOU’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom, your best friend, or the guy you’re dating -- you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.
Random House Dictionary defines vice as “an immoral or evil habit or practice" or “immoral conduct; depraved or degrading behavior” (continued definitions are pretty much the same). Now maybe I’m in denial but I can’t think of any “immoral” or “degrading” behaviors that I exhibit, ergo, I don’t have any I need to give up. I’m not hiding anything from my mom, best friend, or men. Tracy = 0, Me = 7.
8. You’re Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, have sex, fight and break up -- all by text message. Another sign you’ve got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it’s like watching an episode of “Fear Factor.” Who doesn’t want to watch another person eat bugs? In fact, a sure-fire way to know you’re crazy is if more than one person has told you you’d be great on a reality show -- and you agree with them.
I only tell long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend because I’m lonely, not because I’m crazy. I don’t want drama and intensity. I want happy. In fact, I got into it with a friend today who was being a drama queen and since the friend was not only acting like a drama queen but has been a total dick to me over the last couple months, I told them to delete my phone number. I don’t want toxicity in my life nor do I have time for it. Life’s too short to deal with bullshit. Tracy = 0, Me = 8.
9. You’re a Dude. It’s not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or make more money than most guys. It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes. Am I saying you should join a quilting circle? Wear ruffles all the time? Um, no. But you might want to see what it’s like to let the game come to you. Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you.
Do I even have to respond to this? There’s nothing wrong with calling, texting, or asking a guy out. It’s mother fucking 2012, women are “allowed” to do that now. And if a guy is turned off because I made the first move then he’s not the kind of guy I want to date, now is he? No. In fact, I made the first move with my ex-husband (our being exes has nothing to do with me making the first move, either) and we were together 8 years. If a man can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to seek it, then he’s not the right guy for me. Tracy = 0, Me = 9 (she’s only got one more chance).
10. You’re Godless. Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we’re there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don’t have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a god. Wait, come back! It’s not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by god? Well, I don’t mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you’re good and punish you if you’re bad. That would be Santa Claus. I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen -- the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love. Whatever you name it -- it’s the game changer. Because when you mix the idea of spirit into your relationships, it no longer matters how many men are, techincally, out there. No more demographics, no more short guys and tall guys or chicks with cankles or ten extra pounds. There are no more lists of things you think you have to have in a mate. There are only two people on a spiritual assignment: TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
To all the single, atheist women out there - you’re fucked. Look, I’m a spiritual person. I believe in God though I have a lot of questions about him/her (there, that’s one question right there), and religion in general. But let’s say I didn’t believe in God - I believe in kindness, and love, and being a good person. I see the beauty in a setting sun, hear calm in the sound of the ocean, and feel love when my nieces and nephews hug me. All of that already exists within my soul. So once again, Tracy strikes out. Tracy = 0, Me = 10.
This woman has no idea why I’m still single. But I do. Because I’m the exact opposite of what she says I am.
I’m not a lying, shallow, selfish, bitchy, slut, that’s not good enough because I’m a crazy mess, who acts like a dude without a god. (I'm almost tempted to put that sentence in my online dating profile.)
Instead, I am a kind, caring, loving woman with a good head on her shoulders. I love my family, friends, and career. I haven’t slept my way around town to pass the time while looking for Mr. Right. I know what I want (a man that is my equal) and I make no apologies for it. And if I find him, I’ll have no problem asking him out…unless he asks me first.
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