Hey Good Lookin', Whatchya Got Cookin'?

My online dating profile states that I am 39 and interested in men aged 35-45.  This message came in from a 58 year old man.

I don't like your profile. I LOVE it!!!
>>>I would rather cuddle then have sex.
Classic! Epic! Hall of Fame material and I am not too easily impressed.
Oh, and by the way, you are absolutely, completely, thoroughly, abundantly,
entirely, totally, fully, utterly, extremely,
tremendously and enormously yummy!!!
I just had that in me.
I would LOVE to chat with you if you felt so inclined.

Now I was going to let the cuddle/sex reference pass because that's something I wrote in my profile (got that line from A) and it shows that he actually read through my profile most of the way to have gotten far enough down to read that line, however...

And you knew there was a "however" coming...

I'm annoyed that the only reference he made to my profile was regarding sex.  In fact, I took the line out after I recieved this email because I worried (I'm becoming paranoid) that it's going to bring me the wrong attention.  Because I want a man to read my entire profile and comment on something other than sex.

I'm also annoyed that this guy completely ignored that I was looking for men my own age.  That's not to say that I couldn't fall in love with someone older, but I'm looking for someone my age and it's kind of irritating that men have read my profile wherein I state what I am looking for and then completely ignore those things.

This older man wasn't the only guy to do it, either.  A hot guy sent me a message, which caught my attention of course because he's hot.  I have no shame in admitting it.  But again, my profile says I live in L.A., am seeking something long-term (and clarifies I'm not looking for booty calls or casual sex), and am interested in men 35-45.  Hot Guy is a 22 year old college student from Palo Alto who's not looking for anything serious.

Hello?  Do men even read these profiles or do they just ogle the pictures?  If I only cared about posting hot pictures in order to get someone's attention, I'd be posting bikini shots of myself (from when I was in my 20s, mind you) on Craigslist, trolling for people to talk dirty to.  But no, I'm on an online dating website to find someone to date.  To meet someone who is looking for the same thing I'm looking for.  To find a guy that fits my "type."

I should just change my profile to something like, "It doesn't matter what I type here because you guys are just ogling my picture anyway to determine if you want to have sex with me.  So who cares what type of guy I'm actually looking for, you're going to message me anyway even if you're the exact opposite, thus making the time I spent on specifying likes/dislikes moot.  I'm a woman, I have boobs.  There you go."

How sad that I've been at this less than a week and I'm already over it.

Who Wrote the Book of Love?

Since I have a strong desire to be intellectually stimulated (that 27 year old was adorable but he couldn’t carry a conversation to save his life), I thought I’d narrow down my search.  I told the site to find me anybody with a Masters, Graduate, or PhD within 50 miles of me.  It gave me 33 hits, 22 of which are without photos (I hope it’s not true that all smart men are ugly).  Here are a few gems:

GRADUATE DEGREES

One man’s profile says he has a graduate degree, yet he writes this: “IM A VERY PERSON WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.. I DO LOVE PEOPLE BUT SOMTIMES HATES CROWDES. iF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE THEN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME... I would like to ad that if you view me,please say hi .. I love all people and Id love to make more friends ..”  Do universities offer refunds on tuition if you didn't learn anything?

A European man says that he is a “Europeen guy looking for you.”  I’m looking for someone who can spell.

But this guy spelled “cool” with a k.  You can only do that if you’re the Kool-Aid guy but he didn’t list “instant drink-mix spokesperson” as his profession so I’m guessing he’s not.

“Eat Hearty and Be Marry!!!”  Be married, shouldn’t we go on a date first?  Be Mary, who’s Mary?  Be merry, oh, well why didn’t you say so?

MASTERS DEGREES

And now, the prize of the night goes to this guy, who only wrote:

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Is She Really Going Out With Him?

ON CREATING MY PROFILE 

If I make a Sense & Sensibility reference on a dating site, will straight guys get it? Probably not, huh?  Crap, they probably won't get the Bridget Jones reference either... Edit, edit, edit.

I jokingly said to C that I should say, "Hi, I'm Amy.  I want to have sex with you.  But not until we're monogamous."  She said I should... because "men are retarded."  G (a guy) told me not to waste time and to just post naked photos.  C's point has been made.

REVIEWING PROSPECTIVE MATES

Ooh, there's one titled "Eye Surgeon Seeking Love." I wonder if he'd give me free Lasik surgery?

This one says "I do not go to bars or clubs." Next!

This one has a photo of himself wearing a t-shirt that says, Schrodinger's cat is dead, he used the word "dote," and he mentions monkeys.  Schrodinger's profile says he has a graduate degree.  [Schrodinger has not replied to my message.]

There's one with the user name assclown218. Yes, yes that is the man of my dreams.

The winner of the night is the 40 year old guy who looks like he walked off the Jersey Shore set: photo of himself making the duck face, fake tan, flexing without a shirt, posing next to his car, etc. If this is what online dating has in store for me, kill me now.

A 42 year old has a picture of a DeLorean and it says, "Bonus points if you can guess the car." Seriously, is he dating 17 year olds? Who doesn't know that shit?

I just know I'm going to stumble across Johnny Depp's secret online dating profile any minute now.

One guy had a photo on his profile of him with Steven Seagal.  So I wrote to him and said, "Your profile has Steven Seagal.  Mine has Chuck Norris. Hmm..."  He hasn't replied so clearly he knows that Chuck Norris would kick Steven Seagal's ass.

MESSAGES I'VE RECEIVED

"Read your bio ..Your in luck! I love educated women....they taste better ( joke) relax,,( was that a Beaves and Butthead joke?) Well, even if you don't consider me , you do look good, If thats any level of comfort...Love baby blue's and freckle...Yes ..my ex-wife has it..anyway given a chance , we may have something here ...No Drama, Living alone , Job, Car ,and loves to travel..Balls in your court..P.S. your not to far, so it just may work.."   Clearly he missed where I listed poor grammer, spelling, and punctuation as a TURN OFF.

Just checked my online dating mailbox. Latest message from guy whose photos are all of him flexing, "Do you have sexy feet?" Kill me now.

Once in Love With Amy

Below is the profile I currently have on the dating site (with the photos I used, interspersed for your enjoyment).  Feel free to make suggestions on how I can make it better so I can land me a new ex-husband.

ME: I’m almost 40, divorced, and I don’t have kids but I am a great auntie. I have a busy schedule with full-time work and part-time school (if you don’t like educated women, stop reading), so finding the "right guy" has proven difficult. I’m smart, funny, witty, sarcastic, make good chili, and can rebuild the carbs on a 1972 MG Midget (while wearing lip gloss). Yes, I can drive stick-shift and no, that’s not a euphemism. I watch PBS. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m a Scorpio. I have tattoos and freckles. I eat meat. I enjoy Shirley Temples and Vodka Tonics. I love cats and dogs but do not currently have pets. I have strong family values and am dedicated & loyal to friends/family. I have voted for Republicans and Democrats. I think the government needs to stay away from my lady parts. I’m Pro-Choice, rooted for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to be overturned, and support gay marriage. I’m spiritual but do not subscribe to any organized religion.

(Are you still reading? You like chili, don’t you?)

HOBBIES/INTERESTS: Making people laugh, bad karaoke (because it’s rarely ever good), concerts in the park, movies in the park (parks are very popular these days, it seems), dive bars, road trips and traveling, classic cars, and anything involving fine arts (museums, ballet, theater, literature, music). Emphasis on music. I love nature but don’t partake in it as often as I’d like to. If you have a motorcycle, I’ve got my own helmet.

TURN ONS: Intellectually stimulating, good sense of humor, nice eyes/smile, good manners, romantic (or some combination thereof). I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you're good with grammar, you'll get it.

TURN OFFS: Counts how many mini pretzels I eat while having drinks at the bar (true story). Texts me throughout the entire day for 5 days straight after being told I have 3 large homework assignments and 2 papers due that week (another true story). Poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Bigots, racists, and homophobes.

YOU: I’m not custom ordering a couch here – eye color, hair color, height, weight, and ethnicity don’t matter. I don’t care if you’re taller or shorter than me, so long as you don’t care that I’m 5’7” and sometimes wear 3-4” heels. I don’t care if you make less money than I do, so long as you’re not looking for a free ride. If you make more money than I do, good for you, but I’m not a gold digger (I don’t care what Kanye West says). I don't mind if you're religious but please don’t try to convert me. I also don’t mind if you have kids but I will be sufficiently creeped out if you bring them on our first date and tell them to call me, “Mommy.” I’d like to meet someone that has enough in common with me that we get along well, but also brings enough differences to the table so we don’t feel like we’re dating ourselves. Romantics are preferred, because what is life without passion? However, if you’re looking for booty calls or casual sex, I’m not the woman for you. And no, I won't sent you naked pictures.

"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."

While I am happy with most areas of my life, I am only human and I get lonely.  I seek companionship.  And while I haven't had much luck with online dating before, I know many couples (boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married) that have met through online dating sites so I thought I would give it another shot.  Here are some observations I made while searching profiles on a free online dating website (remember, you get what you pay for)...

If you have just as many photos of your dog on your profile as you have of yourself (if not more), that might explain why you’re single.

If you have more than one shirtless photo of yourself on your profile, you’re probably very vain and want a girl as equally fit/vain. That’s not me. This especially holds true for guys whose profile photos are of them shirtless and flexing.

If your headline says, “Looking for someone with a pulse” then you’re not the guy for me – I’d like a guy with slightly higher qualification requirements for a date.

I’m human, I make typos, too, but if you can’t grasp the overall concept of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation, we have no future together.

If you look like Carson Daly’s little brother, I’m out.

If your headline says “Beauty does NOT impress me” then you should keep looking, because my pretty face would be wasted on a guy like you. Also, this world contains endless beauty, if only in nature alone. If that doesn't impress you, clearly you have no heart, Tin Man.

“First off im a self made millionaire.” If that was true, you wouldn’t be on a free, online dating website.  

If you’re from Burbank, we’ve probably already dated, you’ve dated one of my friends, or one of us has already tried hitting on the other at the bar to no avail.

If you look anything like one of those guys from Jersey Shore, the answer is no.

“I want nothing special. Just Normal.” I’ve got bad news for you, I’m not normal.

IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, I’M PROBABLY GOING TO SKIP YOUR PROFILE.

If your creepy smile makes you look like a serial killer, I’m skipping you. While I enjoy watching Criminal Minds, I do not want to actually live out an episode.

If your profile photo looks like a professional headshot, you’re probably an actor and someone wise once told me to never date actors. (The only exception being Johnny Depp.)

And now I'm totally turned off to online dating if this is what it holds in store for me.