Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Oh look, more messages from men I don’t plan on dating.  Shall we take a peek at some?

Jesus......Your hot!!

God, your grammar sucks.

You reek of sexiness!!!

Don’t ever tell a woman she “reeks” even if it’s of sexiness.  Tell her she “exudes” sexiness, or “embodies” it, but never that she reeks of it. 

WOW!

Your beautiful smile made my day !

Your right lifes too short!

You have gorgeous eyes!

I never said anything in my profile about life being too short so maybe he has me confused with someone else?  Someone who doesn’t mind that he said “your” instead of “you’re.”  Or that he ended every sentence with an exclamation point.  Like this!

My friends say I’m being too picky and I don’t care.  I am entitled to want whatever I want.  Besides, the truth is, while I do care about grammar and spelling, I haven’t seriously rejected anybody because of it.  As I’ve said before, the guys I mention on here are guys I’m passing on for a number of reasons – I just talk about the grammar, cheesy photos, and creepy pick-up lines on this blog because it’s funny.  Not once have I ever said, this guy is hot and he sounds like the perfect man IF ONLY HE COULD SPELL!

Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter if he ends every sentence with an exclamation point.  If I'm attracted to him and think his profile sounds like the kind of guy I'd like to go on a first date with, I'll overlook those things.  But so far I'm not finding guys like that.

Most of the profiles I see are guys I don't want to make out with.  And that's important - if the attraction isn't there it doesn't matter if his profile says he's a superhero that deworms orphans in third world countries when he's not saving rescue animals.  Let's face it, if you have two guys in front of you with the exact same "resume" (both are everything you want in a guy, personality wise), you're going to pick the guy you're most attracted to.

And right now, I'm still waiting for that guy.  The one who catches my eye but also piques my interest with his profile.  So come on guys, hit me with your best shot.

Because I refuse to believe that what I'm finding online right now is the best you have to offer.

"Luck be a lady tonight..."

Received a message on dating site from "mjcmike" but it was not, in fact, from Channing Tatum. Also, "magic" is spelled with a G.

Another guy said, “I would love to take you out pretty princess.”  Pretty princess?  That makes me feel like I’m about five years old.  Are we going to the circus?  Can I get some cotton candy?  (Wait, I would actually do that.  But not with this guy.)

Just to clarify the situation here, I haven’t really passed on a guy just because he had bad grammar or because he called me “pretty princess.”  While those things do turn me off, I’ve passed on guys because I’m not attracted to them and/or because their profile doesn’t sound like what I’m looking for in a guy.  The bad grammar, the cheesy (sometimes creepy) pick-up lines are all just icing on the cake that is online dating.

Again, I’m not saying that online dating doesn’t work.  I know it does!  I’m just saying that right now, it’s not working for me.  The men that are reaching out to me are not men I am interested in, and the men I reach out to do not appear to be interested in me either.  I do have 4 emails still open on the free site with men that I would go on a first date with but I’m waiting for each to respond.  In each case, we’ve said something to one another but now it’s their turn to reply…and they aren’t.  So I’m guessing that they decided to pass on me.

And that’s okay – if I’m not the kind of girl they’re looking for, I’d rather they just move on than string this out, making me think that perhaps there’s a chance.  But I have to admit, this overall dating thing is frustrating.

I miss the days when I would just meet a nice guy through friends; when you could run into someone at a party and think, “Wow, I really want to get to know him better!” and then you did.  Hell, I even miss the days of high school where we just hollered out the window at cute guys to let them know we were interested.  It was so much easier than this online crap.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to cruise the strip in my car with the windows down, hollering, “Aaaaayoooo!” at the cute guys.

Wish me luck.

It's Raining Men

It's raning men.  And it's an acid rain...

This is an actual photo from a real dating profile, I did not make this up.  It's like Mad Max night at the go-go club.  This was his main photo, the second photo was of his abs, the third was his biceps, and the fourth was some cheesy picture of him throwing some sign I didn’t recognize.  It wasn’t a peace sign, “rock on,” or “I love you” in sign language.  Maybe it was the universal sign that guys throw to indicate that you should not date them.

People tell me I'm too picky about grammar/spelling on dating sites but how can I take this man seriously?

An online dating profile: "Seeking my Juliette."  Romeo & Juliette had a forbidden love and killed themselves.  Probably not the best romantic reference...

Received this message the other day: "Ready set go im ramon lets get it on"  I asked my friends how I should respond to that message, if at all, and CR suggested, “Where do you stand politically? What are your views on gun control? Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior?”  So that’s what I wrote.  And then the following conversation transpired:

HIM: democrate, no need for guns, YES
ME: I'm a Republican, card carrying member of the NRA, atheist.  Thank you anyway.
HIM: Your funny.
ME: I wasn't making a joke.
HIM: You knew your answer when you ask me. That like asking a blackman have you ever had any problems with the police ( cum on )

That’s when I replied, “I’m not interested, thank you” because I couldn’t continue this charade anymore.  If it wasn’t bad enough that he misspelled “Democrat,” used “your” instead of “you’re,” and had bad grammar overall, he totally sealed his fate by saying, “cum on.”  Anybody over the age of 15 that says “cum” instead of “come” needs to be bitch slapped.  You are not Beavis & Butthead.  And if you fancy yourself as such, you have no future with me.

And for the record, I’m actually in the middle politically, I haven’t renewed my NRA membership, and I believe in God but don’t subscribe to any organized religion.  Not that it matters, because clearly I am never going to find a decent man who knows you don’t pick up a woman by saying, “Let’s get it on.”

Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me

A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a guy from the free dating site.  As you can tell, I did not fall fabulously in love, otherwise you would’ve heard about it that very night instead of about two weeks later.  (Unless we had been holed up the last two weeks making mad passionate love, but I digress…)

We met in person and I could tell immediately I wasn’t feeling an attraction, although he seemed like a nice guy.  We had a round of drinks and appetizers, and the conversation was good but I just couldn’t imagine myself kissing him goodnight.  We hugged goodbye, made vague references about maybe getting together the following weekend, and then…nothing.  Neither of us contacted the other.

But at least I got out there and tried.

In the time since, I did cancel my Match.com membership but I still have my profile on the free site.  Of course people are saying, “Why did you cancel your membership after a month?!  It takes time!”  I know it takes time, and I know that online dating can work, but it hasn’t really been working for me.  On the free site I’m getting attention - mostly from men I don’t want to date, but at least they’re “looking” at me.  On Match, there was hardly any attention at all.  And like I said before I signed up, why do I want to pay for rejection when I can get that already for free?  Oh sure, I could stay on it for a few more months just to see if maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp creates a profile and checks me out (hey, he’s single now, it could happen), but what are the chances of that happening?  Money is unbelievably tight for me right now so I have to be careful where I spend it, if I spend it at all, and continuing to throw money into a dating site where nobody at all seems interested in me seems like a big fat waste of cold, hard cash.  If money wasn’t a problem right now, sure, I’d probably stay on Match a few more months just to see if perhaps there is a cool guy on there that is looking for an almost-40 year old, divorcee, legal assistant/college student, who drives a 1975 VW Bug part-time, drinks vodka, and knows how to spell.

But money is tight, so I canceled the membership and I’m sticking to the freebies for now.  I know the quality of men on the free sites may not be up to par with the paid sites but I’ll just have to deal with that unless and until I win the lotto.

Thankfully I’ve received a couple of decent messages on the free site recently, which is a nice refresher from the typical poorly spelled messages with bad grammar.  Unfortunately, even though these men can spell and have made references to my profile that prove they have actually read it, I’m not attracted to them (except this one guy I’m waiting to hear back from).

I know what you’re thinking… how do I know if I’m attracted to them if I haven’t gone on a (disastrous) first date with them?  (Like my cynicism?)  Well, I’ve never gone on a (hot, steamy, sex-filled) date with Johnny Depp (like my optimism?) but I can tell from his photos that I would like to go on a (hot, steamy, sex-filled) date with him.  The same thing should apply to a guy’s online profile – I should be able to read the description and think, he sounds cool, and then check out his photo and think, I would kiss him goodnight/make out with him/have babies with him.

Granted, that could all change the moment we meet in person.  I have met people online and the attraction was there but once we met in person it was not.  (And then there was that time I had to get the cops unofficially involved when one of those guys couldn’t accept that “it” was not there, but that’s another story).  And I’ve also met people in person, through friends, where at first it didn’t cross my mind to make out with them and then BAM!  We were dating the following year.

The point is though, when it comes to online dating, there has to be at least some attraction in the beginning.  If you look at someone’s picture and think, I would never kiss him goodnight, then you should pass.  If, however, you think, he looks totally kissable, then you should go for it.  There are no guarantees, of course, but your odds are probably better if you are into him somewhat before the first date.  Otherwise, why even bother?