She's a Man Eater

I don't consider myself to be especially high maintenance when it comes to dating but I do have some rules.  Let's go over them, shall we?

1)   Do not text/email/call me several times a day, every day.  I don't even talk to my mother or my best friends every single day (unless you count social media and I don't).  Additionally, if I've already explained to you that I am very busy at the moment (as in, 2 papers and 3 homework assignments due that week (true story)), then it's actually rude.
 
2)   Please don't ask me, "What are you thinking?"  I'm a Scorpio, if I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you.

3)   School is my number one priority right now.  I will make time for you but if I tell you that I can't go out because I've got homework, please respect that.  If you can't, go date someone who's already graduated.

4)   Do not count how many pretzels I'm eating at the bar & tell me, "You don't want to eat that."  If you do this on a first date (and somebody did), there will be no second date (and there wasn't). 

5)   I eat meat.  If you're a vegetarian, I'm okay with that but please don't try to convert me.

6)   I'm a social drinker.  It's okay if you don't drink but just like with vegetarianism, please don't try to convert me.

7)   Don't tell me to break a promise to my friend.  It shows you have zero character.

8)   I have a lot of guy friends.  I will not cease hanging out with them simply because we are dating.

9)  If you're possessive, jealous, controlling, and need to keep tabs on your woman at all times, there's the door.

10)   We're not having sex with each other until we've agreed we're not having sex with anyone else.  I've tried that "non exclusive" thing before and it doesn't work for me.  If you can't handle this rule, you can follow the guys from #9 to the door.

No wonder I'm still single...

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

("The Starry Night" Vincent van Gogh)

The fun thing about horoscopes is that you can break it down in so many ways: astrological versus Chinese zodiac; general, romantic, career; and daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  You can read your horoscope ahead of time so you can plan your life accordingly, or you can read it after the day is over, to see if it what the horoscope predicted actually came true.  And you can put as much weight into it as you want – if you don’t believe in astrology, it’s a campy read; if you do believe in astrology it’s a guidebook to your life.  If I had to pick one, I’d say I’m leaning more toward a campy read with an occasional raised eyebrow and an, “Ohmigodthattotallyhappenedtoday!”

This is Scorpio’s LOVE horoscope for today, this week, this month, and this year.  If you're a fellow Scorpio, pay attention. 

TODAY:

“The details of life are more important than the big issues, at least for now. Focus in on the small stuff -- especially on dates -- and worry about big things like compatibility some other day.”

Um, what?  Compatibility is a big thing I shouldn’t worry about?  If we’re not compatible, why the fuck would we date?

WEEKLY:

“…you'll want to be ready for the excitement the stars have in store starting Friday. You're extra sexy, and everybody's loving you! Now, who do you love back?”

Okay, now we’re talking.  This weekend sounds like it’s going to rock!  My online horoscope said it would so really, how can I go wrong?  The interwebz and thousands of stars in the sky millions of light years away wouldn’t lie, right?  Because that would be really mean.

MONTHLY (and there’s only a few days left of the month so I’m just including the end):

“You've got the lead role in your own personal romantic comedy on the 29th and 30th.”

The cynic in me is starting to worry that this weekend is getting so much hype.  The stars are telling me how awesome this weekend is going to be and now I’m concerned that Sunday night I’m going to be sitting on my couch, staring at the TV (and it’s going to be a shitty show because everything is on hiatus for the summer), thinking, “Is that all there is?”

The weekend’s saving grace, however, is that I know I’ve got some fun things planned, so, while this weekend may not introduce me to Johnny Depp, and dozens of hot, eligible bachelors will not be falling at my feet, I’m still going to have a great time.  I’m just not sure how much “love” will factor into it.

YEARLY (choice excerpts):

“With Neptune returning to your romance sector for the next several years, your love life is about to take a poetic turn. A deep, soulful connection becomes the prerequisite for hooking up from now on! You won't settle for anything less than a soul-stirring union that inspires you to create art. Your lover becomes your muse, and vice versa.”

About fucking time.  Now where is he?

“With Saturn entering your constellation near your birthday, you'll be ready to go through a maturation process, regardless of your age. Saturn requires absolute integrity and commitment in all arenas of your life - especially relationships. This requires you to get very clear on where your line in the sand is, and what you will and will not put up with in relationships.”

I don’t need to wait for November to draw that line, I’ve already drawn it.  Hell, I started drawing it when I got divorced.  And as of right now, my line still includes men that know the difference between their/there/they're.

“There will be no more dragging anyone's heart around once Saturn enters the picture.”

Cue Stevie Nicks’ “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around.” 

“It's time to relinquish the weight of the past and move bravely forward. This especially holds true in November, when the total solar eclipse in Scorpio accelerates fast-forward change!”

Dude, it’s June.  November is months away.  Let’s change things now, shall we stars?

"This transmission is coming to you"

Just got a message from a new guy and all it said was "bababooey."  I know that's a Howard Stern reference (right?) but WTH? What does that mean in terms of online dating?  Is it a test to see if I know what it means?  Is it a secret code and I'm at a loss because I don't know the secret code word response?  Like, he says MARCO and I'm supposed to say POLO but this is a game I've never played before and oh.my.god.this.online.dating.sucks.  I just wrote him back and (lied) told him, "I don't know what that means."  I just turned into Dr. Temperance Brennan.

I also received another message from a 26 year old (I'll be 40 this year) whose profile says he "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment."  Then why are you on a dating site? Oh right, booty calls.  Um, thanks but no thanks.  My profile clearly says I'm looking "for a relationship" (I thought "dating" sounded too casual, like, let's date each other and have sex on Friday nights while I date someone else and have sex with them on Saturday nights).  The point being, we're not looking for the same things so why even bother?  Then again, my friends like to joke that I'm a cougar...  Cue ABBA's "Does Your Mother Know."

Unwell

I received this message on Wednesday from a would-be suitor:

Well Hello =-) How Are You Doing? Im Michael. Well I Just Came Across
Your Profile and I like what I
see. I'd Like to get to know you hoping YOU feel the same as well. ...Well what
are you up too? How was your day?
As for me I am in the city of MISSION HILLS, in the SAN FERNANDO VALLEY....(Not
far from you) Well take a look at
my PROFILE and let me know what you think... If not, that's Ok...Well I hope to
hear from you soon .. .

Before you ask, yes, that's exactly how the message came in, weird line breaks and all.

This man is very fond of capitalizing words AND/OR putting them IN all caps.  (See what I did there?)

He clearly knows where the apostrophe and comma buttons are on his keyboard but it's just as clear that he does not like them.

He asked what I was up too.

I am disturbed that he is "not far" from me.  I'm going to change my location to Kansas.

In other news, I sent a message to a guy that was not only attractive but had a coherent, intelligent yet funny sounding profile.  He wasn't interested in me but instead of ignoring me or saying "I'm not interested, thanks" he replied:

That's a wonderful intro into who you are.  You sound like an awesome gal.  I'm looking for something a little different though.  I wish you all the luck in the world on this site. :)

As for me, I still go with the Ignore Method of rejecting men I'm not interested in on this site.  Unless they don't get the hint and keep messaging me (like that guy on Match who sent me six messages and a wink) in which case I'll have to tell them I'm not interested.

I'm not sure which method of rejection is best, however.  I like the Ignore Method because it's non-confrontational.  It doesn't open the door for the other person to start asking WHY you aren't interested.  I had that happen with someone in real life: my friend told X straight up that I wasn't interested in him (though I have no idea why said friend did this) so X started asking me via Facebook messages why I wasn't feeling it.  Keep in mind I barely knew X so being asked why I wasn't into him was awkward beyond belief.  I finally said, "I don't know you, I'm not comfortable having this conversation with you."  And then deleted him from Facebook.

The Ignore Method also means you don't end up in conversations wherein the suitor tries to change your mind.  That has also happened to me in real life.  An older gent I knew from the bar scene was sweet on me and I pretty much told him that it was never going to happen.  So he started giving me a song and dance about how, in his infinite wisdom of being an older dude, he knew that if we hung out more then the friendship would evolve, blah blah blah.  He didn't really phrase it as a "hey maybe" but more of a "trust me, I know it will happen."  He was a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but I tried to explain, I'm flattered but don't try to tell me about ME.  Nobody knows me better than me, and me, myself, and I know we don't want to date you. 

But the Ignore Method can also come across as rude.  Think about it, if someone took the time to reach out to you to say hello, even if you're not interested, shouldn't you at least reply, if only to say as much?  I've tried online dating many times over the last couple of years and the etiquette I quicly picked up on for rejecting others was the Ignore Method.  However, the nice girl in me feels like maybe that's too mean.  Should I be sending handwritten thank you notes instead?  "Dear [Name], Thank you for submitting your application, however, the position has already been filled."  Wait, that would be a lie.  But I could say something nice like the guy who told me I was awesome.

I could say, "Thank you for your message.  You sound like an awesome guy but I'm looking for something a little different though.  I'm looking for a man that can spell.  Happy fishing!"  Well there you go.  He thinks I'm awesome but doesn't want to date me.  That's okay because his reply was nice.  It wasn't an abrupt "no thanks" and it wasn't the flat out ignore that most people do (myself included) when approached by someone they are not interested in.  So there you go - I got rejected (again) but at least he was nice about it.

"A-B-C, easy as 1-2-3" (except not so much)

Online dating is hard, I know, I’m out here doing it, too.  It takes a lot of guts to put yourself online for all of the universe (or those within a specified radius and access to a computer) to see.  It also takes courage to reach out to a complete stranger in an attempt to bond with them.  I just want you to know that I completely understand that and am absolutely doing the exact same thing myself.  I am not making fun of anyone for the sake of being mean – I’m merely sharing these experiences because online dating totally sucks.

Blah blah blah.  My best friend’s sister’s next door neighbor’s cousin’s hair dresser met her husband online.  That’s great.  I’m happy for them.  I’m the maid of honor at a Match wedding this summer.  I’m not saying that online dating doesn’t work – I’m saying that the overall process sucks.

Because, as the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.  And the internet is full of frogs.  Don’t believe me?

See for yourself.  (That's a link, not sure the color shows up very well for some reason and I'm too lazy to play with my settings.  Just click on the thing.)

And now, let me share with you the most recent little gem I received in my inbox today:

hi My name is JOE and i would like to get to know you im that special person you are looking for im honest sincere and fun to be with i think we have things in common and im for real i dont play with peoples feelings if im wat you want and if intreasted live me a message and your name thank you hope you have a great day

That’s one sentence.  One motherfucking sentence.  There are no apostrophes, commas, or periods where there should be.  Some of the words are misspelled – who doesn’t know how to spell “what” properly?

I know what my “You’re being too picky” friends are thinking.  They’re thinking, “You’re being too picky!” and possibly, “Maybe he wrote that on his phone.”

Well guess what?

Fuck that shit.

I type on my phone all the time and yes, even I make typos, but I go back and correct them before I hit SEND.  Worst case scenario, my error goes through and I follow up the message with a correction (because I’m anal like that).  I do not, however, send messages to men online (via my phone or computer) that are a paragraph long consisting of one, giant, never ending, run-on sentence filled with bad grammar and poor spelling.  Because I actually care about things like that.  And men should, too.

Go ahead and call me a Grammar Nazi – I don’t give a shit anymore.  I refuse to date anyone who sends me messages like that.  I have standards for myself and that includes knowing how to use the English language, I don’t care how hot a guy is.  (For the record, I wasn’t attracted to this man anyway so that was really just a double whammy.) 

I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m not saying I’m not being judged by the guys out there, too.  (They’re probably all saying to themselves, “If only she were a size 6.")  And that’s fine – we all have our own standards.  I just don't feel like I should settle when it comes to mine.

I want an intelligent, funny guy that I have good chemistry with.  One that will fit in with my crazy friends (shut up you guys, you know you're crazy).  Someone that will sit around a campfire with me or take me to the ballet.  A guy I could imagine introducing to my mother someday.  He’s out there.  Somewhere.  And he knows how to spell.

SIDE NOTE: I hate those emails people send that end with “Sent from my [insert name of phone here], please excuse typos.”  No, no I won’t.

Also, when I was in high school, I used to read my friends' notes, correct them in red pen, and send them back.  True story.  (No wonder I'm single...)

Hold On

"Hold on...
A voice tells me hold on...
Somewhere I feel...hold on...
Hold on... "
(Pearl Jam)

So, the online dating saga continues.  I received a message today wherein the guy asked me about the carbs I rebuilt on my MG [when I still had it], which I had mentioned in my profile.  He totally earned bonus points for that because most guys have an opening line like "Hey beautiful!" or they compliment me on my eyes or smile.  Don't get me wrong - who doesn't love a compliment?  I just appeciate it when a guy takes the time to actually read my profile and/or has an opening line that catches my attention.  Unfortuately, carb guy is not someone I could imagine kissing goodnight so I passed on him.  Not to mention he was totally wrong about the type of carbs (they were Weber, not Stromberg).

I did have a real life date over the weekend but I have not found my future ex-husband.  He's cute and nice but he's not the right cute, nice guy for me.

However, according to a close (guy) friend of mine, at my age, I'm going to have to either settle or resign myself to being single.  That's right, according to him, my only options are SETTLE or SINGLE. 

Really?  That's it?!

Why?  Because I'm divorced, almost 40, not looking for casual sex, and I'm not a size 6 anymore?

Why should I settle?  And why should I have to?  (It should be noted that my girl friends do not give me this advice so maybe it's just a guy thing?)  If I was looking for a red velvet couch, would you advise me to buy the brown linen couch or would you tell me to keep looking?  (You know I love my couch analgoies...)  I mean, if I want what I want, why shouldn't I seek it?  And why is it so hard to imagine that I would find it?

Surely there are intelligent, funny, cute guys out there who are looking for the same in a woman (me being "the same").  Why is it so unimaginable that we should find one another?

I've gone through enough romantic experiences to know that settling never does anyone any good.  And it's something I do not plan on doing ever again.

If I can't find a guy that meets my criteria then I can always adjust that criteria.  And seriously, it's not like I've given a list of specifics like: Must be 5'10", long brown hair, brown eyes, Gemini, originally from Kentucky (and yes, I just described Johnny Depp).  There are some things I could probably overlook or compromise on but overall, he's gotta be what I'm looking for or else no go.

Settling is not in my vocabulary.  Okay, it's in my vocabulary literally, as I've just discussed it, but you know what I mean.  I won't settle.  I just won't.

I would rather be single than settle.  And you know what? I'm totally okay with that.  However, I refuse to believe that my only two options are SETTLE and SINGLE. 

Becase right now, I still believe that FALL IN LOVE is one of my options.  And the one I'm rooting for.

I Don't Know

(The above ecard was written by a friend of mine who is also

going through the trials and tribulations of finding a decent man online.)

More observations while browsing the online dating sites.  As you can imagine, it's not going well...

I'm sure you're a nice man but you drive a Mazda Miata. I don't want to be the last girl you date before you come out of the closet.

When the dating site asks if I want to meet you and your profile says "Y.O.L.O." I'm going to hit the NO button.

I think I mentioned this one before but iF yOu tYpe LiKe tHiS I will automatically think that you are annoying no matter how cute you are (and he was cute).

If you look completely stoned in your profile pic I'm going to pass (though I'm sure some of my friends would like your number, though not for dating purposes). 

If your profile photo (and/or most of your photos) are self portraits where your camera is blocking most of your face, I'm going to think you're an idiot.  Call me judgmental, fine, just don't call me looking for a date.  I'm not here to date your camera.

Ohmigod this one guy totally looks like a stand-in for Wolverine.  Just had to tell you that.

Guys - learn to take photos of yourself when YOU'RE NOT IN THE BATHROOM.  It's not that hard.  Hold your camera up and smile into it.  Or get your friend to take a photo of you.  And if you have an iPhone 4S the camera has a "reverse" feature where you can see yourself as you take a picture of yourself.  Seriously, I'm tired of seeing everybody's damn bathroom!  (By the way, Wolverine's shower curtain kind of looks like Warhol prints.)

Speaking of photos - please don't post just one.  Even when you buy shit online you get more than one photo.  And try to choose a nice variety of photos, not five photos that were clearly all taken in the same day.

Also, smile.  Nobody wants to date a serial killer.  Actually, some chicks are into that, but not me.

I try to avoid anyone with headshots in their photos.  This is a dating site, not a casting call.

There's this one guy who's really cute but has messy hair - in every photo.  If it was just a single "look" I could say, "Okay, at least he doesn't look like that all the time."  But according to his photos, he does.  Should I ask him out and bring a brush on the first date?

If you're rocking the bald look, there's a 99.9% chance I'm going to pass on dating you.  There's nothing wrong with being bald but I'm attracted to men with hair - I like to have something to run my hands through when we kiss.

Now I know my friends tell me I'm being too picky and you know what my response is to that, right?  If I take the time to put thought and effort into a buying a car (does it have the features I want, is it affordable, how long will it last, etc.) why shouldn't I be just as picky (IF NOT MORE!) when choosing a man to date?

My friends also say I'm being too difficult on guys and their profiles but seriously - this is an online dating site.  You're basically selling yourself online just like a couch.  Shouldn't you at least take the time to market yourself well?  This is the only first impression you get to make online and it's the difference between someone sending you a message to say hello or clicking the NEXT button.  Make a fucking effort.  Proof your content, post more than one photo (that isn't sideways, blurry, has a camera blocking your face, and/or wherein you are actually smiling).  You can thank me later, when you start getting more dates because women will take you more seriously.

As for me, I'm still single.  Although I do have a date tonight.  Did I meet him on the internet?  Of course not.  That would've been too easy.