Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

("The Starry Night" Vincent van Gogh)

The fun thing about horoscopes is that you can break it down in so many ways: astrological versus Chinese zodiac; general, romantic, career; and daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  You can read your horoscope ahead of time so you can plan your life accordingly, or you can read it after the day is over, to see if it what the horoscope predicted actually came true.  And you can put as much weight into it as you want – if you don’t believe in astrology, it’s a campy read; if you do believe in astrology it’s a guidebook to your life.  If I had to pick one, I’d say I’m leaning more toward a campy read with an occasional raised eyebrow and an, “Ohmigodthattotallyhappenedtoday!”

This is Scorpio’s LOVE horoscope for today, this week, this month, and this year.  If you're a fellow Scorpio, pay attention. 

TODAY:

“The details of life are more important than the big issues, at least for now. Focus in on the small stuff -- especially on dates -- and worry about big things like compatibility some other day.”

Um, what?  Compatibility is a big thing I shouldn’t worry about?  If we’re not compatible, why the fuck would we date?

WEEKLY:

“…you'll want to be ready for the excitement the stars have in store starting Friday. You're extra sexy, and everybody's loving you! Now, who do you love back?”

Okay, now we’re talking.  This weekend sounds like it’s going to rock!  My online horoscope said it would so really, how can I go wrong?  The interwebz and thousands of stars in the sky millions of light years away wouldn’t lie, right?  Because that would be really mean.

MONTHLY (and there’s only a few days left of the month so I’m just including the end):

“You've got the lead role in your own personal romantic comedy on the 29th and 30th.”

The cynic in me is starting to worry that this weekend is getting so much hype.  The stars are telling me how awesome this weekend is going to be and now I’m concerned that Sunday night I’m going to be sitting on my couch, staring at the TV (and it’s going to be a shitty show because everything is on hiatus for the summer), thinking, “Is that all there is?”

The weekend’s saving grace, however, is that I know I’ve got some fun things planned, so, while this weekend may not introduce me to Johnny Depp, and dozens of hot, eligible bachelors will not be falling at my feet, I’m still going to have a great time.  I’m just not sure how much “love” will factor into it.

YEARLY (choice excerpts):

“With Neptune returning to your romance sector for the next several years, your love life is about to take a poetic turn. A deep, soulful connection becomes the prerequisite for hooking up from now on! You won't settle for anything less than a soul-stirring union that inspires you to create art. Your lover becomes your muse, and vice versa.”

About fucking time.  Now where is he?

“With Saturn entering your constellation near your birthday, you'll be ready to go through a maturation process, regardless of your age. Saturn requires absolute integrity and commitment in all arenas of your life - especially relationships. This requires you to get very clear on where your line in the sand is, and what you will and will not put up with in relationships.”

I don’t need to wait for November to draw that line, I’ve already drawn it.  Hell, I started drawing it when I got divorced.  And as of right now, my line still includes men that know the difference between their/there/they're.

“There will be no more dragging anyone's heart around once Saturn enters the picture.”

Cue Stevie Nicks’ “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around.” 

“It's time to relinquish the weight of the past and move bravely forward. This especially holds true in November, when the total solar eclipse in Scorpio accelerates fast-forward change!”

Dude, it’s June.  November is months away.  Let’s change things now, shall we stars?