"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."

While I am happy with most areas of my life, I am only human and I get lonely.  I seek companionship.  And while I haven't had much luck with online dating before, I know many couples (boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married) that have met through online dating sites so I thought I would give it another shot.  Here are some observations I made while searching profiles on a free online dating website (remember, you get what you pay for)...

If you have just as many photos of your dog on your profile as you have of yourself (if not more), that might explain why you’re single.

If you have more than one shirtless photo of yourself on your profile, you’re probably very vain and want a girl as equally fit/vain. That’s not me. This especially holds true for guys whose profile photos are of them shirtless and flexing.

If your headline says, “Looking for someone with a pulse” then you’re not the guy for me – I’d like a guy with slightly higher qualification requirements for a date.

I’m human, I make typos, too, but if you can’t grasp the overall concept of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation, we have no future together.

If you look like Carson Daly’s little brother, I’m out.

If your headline says “Beauty does NOT impress me” then you should keep looking, because my pretty face would be wasted on a guy like you. Also, this world contains endless beauty, if only in nature alone. If that doesn't impress you, clearly you have no heart, Tin Man.

“First off im a self made millionaire.” If that was true, you wouldn’t be on a free, online dating website.  

If you’re from Burbank, we’ve probably already dated, you’ve dated one of my friends, or one of us has already tried hitting on the other at the bar to no avail.

If you look anything like one of those guys from Jersey Shore, the answer is no.

“I want nothing special. Just Normal.” I’ve got bad news for you, I’m not normal.

IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, I’M PROBABLY GOING TO SKIP YOUR PROFILE.

If your creepy smile makes you look like a serial killer, I’m skipping you. While I enjoy watching Criminal Minds, I do not want to actually live out an episode.

If your profile photo looks like a professional headshot, you’re probably an actor and someone wise once told me to never date actors. (The only exception being Johnny Depp.)

And now I'm totally turned off to online dating if this is what it holds in store for me.